It's hard..........(emo talking)

After the penang bridge run tat night, I can't control my emotions again...
But luckily no one finds out..
I know it's not right to tell ppl tat I am crying...
So I won't tell.. XD
For many times I have been wondering wat does this world want from me and why does this kind of stuff keep happening to me...

I know I can't make the world change... But I know I can change myself..
So I juz nid to change myself to face the world...
Although I know I can only change myself, but I am not able to do so..
Penang bridge run tat day, many ppl that I don't expect them to talk to me, they talked to me....... -.-
I dk y I am this perasan and I always go and care other ppl talk to me or not...
**** myself...
I hate myself thinkin of this and that..
It's making me insane.................
It's hard for me stop myself from doing that...

I dk y... I dk when....
I started to treat many ppl in many different kinds of way..
Some I treated them a bit like fu yan,
Some I treated them a bit better,
Some I treated them better than better,
Some I treated them the best,
Some I juz ignore....
I dk is it becoz of this unequal treating that makes me XXXXX or not..........

I know it's so stupid for this kind of saying.. but ya...
If u treat a person very gud, will the person treat u back that way?...
Mayb or no is the answer...But I always expect ppl to treat me the way I treated them..
It's not posible for others to do so rite? Becoz everyone has the right to do watever they wan wat...

It's had been years for me to search myself and seek for hapiness...
I always faces faliure in the end...
I couldn't face many facts that are real and cruel..
The facts are something like friends don't last forever n etc...
I hate those facts....... But anyway they are real, so I should accept it.. *although it's hard

When I was in primary school, I dk whether I got treat anyone as best friend or not..
or I treated everyone equally... but I stil remember even tat time I often get bullied or something, I won't be sad and I wil think it as it does not happen before... Everyday in primary school, I was hapi and I don't care much about a lot of things..

Ltr when I went into secondary school, things changed.. I changed too...
I still got bullied.... But dk y, I got bullied in this secondary school, I was angry, mad, sad and everyday juz suffering when they bullied... *although my face does not show anything(angry or sad).... In the secondary school, besides getting bullied, I stil hav to face the probs like ppl saying u are a quiet person, zhi4 bi4 and all kinds of things, it's hard for me at 1st.. but in the end, I dun care much le...

I had been thinkin to hav best friends that will last forever...
But end up, there is no such thing as forever..
As I surveyed many parents and many ppl.......
It may be true becoz we might go to different countries...
But still ya.. this is one of the fact that I couldn't accept...
y after go dif countries,can't be friends?

I think that I am a bit abnormal la...
Becoz I don't think anyone would be so perasan about this kind of things..
I want to be like them... Hav no worries everyday, hapi and joyful without being influenced by anything....... I want to be like some of my friends, they dun care whether other ppl care them or not, they juz be themselves and hapi all the time eventhough their friends dun bother them or etc....
I am diff, once I hav friends, I will try to treat the friend as gud as posible... And when that friend dun bother me, I will start feeling that I am being rejected, and then I will reli feel damn bad about it... It's my habit...

Last time, I had been mad about the best friend that I met in primary school..
He is like a stranger to me d...
I dk y... It's juz feel strange for me to contact him..
But in primary school, we are a bit like best buddies and he understands me a lot..
That time, I oso thought tat we might be friends forever, but ya...
It's impossible... maybe posible a little... -.-

Nowadays, I made a lot of friends... I tidak mengamalkan sikap keadilan..
I treated some better than others.. I care a lot of some ppl, and ignore others...I know it's wrong to act like tis... But I am juz trying to find bestfriend, hmmm.....
maybe I did it the wrong way, maybe I should change to another type of person..

I hope there will be juz someone who can make me understand more about how to live in this world.......... It's hard... It's hard for a person like me to live in it...
Sorry I promised that I won't be down anymore and I still down again..

X Abv things are juz emo talking and rubbishes... Juz ignore me....
Current mood : not very hapi...
juz nid some time.. (1day) XDDDD
24 hours will recover le... If not, I ..........dotz haha

"Y can't leh" .... HELLO
Haiz.... haha beh syiok lo................